Jokes and Stories, Part 2
Posted: 27 April 2011 01:29 AM   [ Ignore ]
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A Bit of Parrot Humour

A woman bought a parrot at an estate sale but when she gets it home she finds out the previous owner had been the madam of a bordello and the parrot only knew racy phrases and words. She tries everything she can think of to make the parrot stop saying its naughty phrases but nothing works. One day she visits her priest and tells him of her problem. He tells her he has the perfect solution and takes her in the back room where his two parrots are. The woman sees that both parrots are holding rosaries in their beaks, have their eyes closed, and are quietly muttering to themselves. “These are Peter and Paul” the priest says “and all they do all day is pray the rosary. Bring your bird here and after spending time with Peter and Paul, she will forget her previous training and will say the rosary”. Happily the woman rushes home, grabs the cage with her bird and rushes back to the parish house. As she and the priest carry her parrot into the room where his birds are Paul looks up and says “Put away the rosary Peter, our prayers have been answered”.
Submitted by: Mary Dulgeroff

A lady calls an appliance repair shop and asks for a technician to repair her refrigerator. She explains that since it needs to be done immediately and she is working, she left the key under the mat. She further explains that she has a pit bull but her dog is very sweet and will not bother the technician at all but under no circumstances say anything at all to her parrot. Sure enough, the key was under the mat and the pit bull was gentle. However, repair to the refrigerator was more complicated and took a lot of time.  During the hours, the parrot was impossible. The parrot was shrieking and making fun of the technician, calling him names and generally carrying on dreadfully. Finally, the technician couldn’t take it anymore and yells “Shut Up” to the parrot. The parrot then says, “Get him Spike”.
Submitted by: Daria Feinstien

A woman brought a very limp parrot into a veterinary surgeon.  As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.  After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your parrot Cuddles has passed away.”
The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”  “Yes, I am sure, the parrot is dead,” he replied.  “How can you be so sure?” she protested, “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything, he might just be in a coma or something.” The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.  As the parrot’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the Parrot from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a cat.  The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot.  The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead parrot.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The parrot’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.  “£150!” she cried, “£150 just to tell me my parrot is dead!! The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry.  If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the CAT scan, it’s now £150.00.
Submitted by: Steve Brookes

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Posted: 27 April 2011 02:55 AM   [ Ignore ]   [ # 1 ]
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MAMA’S BIBLE
>
> Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.
>
> Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
>
> The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”
>
> The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house..”
>
> The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
>
> The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well.
>
> I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it
> was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
>
> The other brothers were impressed.
>
> After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
>
> She wrote: ” Milton, the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
>
> “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
>
> “Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead; I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll
> never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
>
> “Dearest Bob,
> you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift.
>
> The chicken was delicious.
>
> Thank you.
>
> Luv Ya, Mama.”
>

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